Digression
by AZGirl
Summary: Since Milady's surprise return, d'Artagnan, Aramis, and Porthos have been waiting for Athos to self-destruct. Spoilers for 2.04 Emilie.
1. Progress

**Disclaimer**: The Musketeers are not mine. I'm just borrowing the concepts and characters for a little while.

**Spoilers**: 2.04 Emilie, 1.01 Friends and Enemies

**A/N**: The U.S. airing of episode 4 did not include the scene the quote is from, which takes place right after d'Artagnan and Constance discuss Milady. It's also important to note that this story takes place before Athos speaks to Milady out on the street later in the episode.

**ooooooo**

"_What are you going to do?"_

"_Drink."_

"_Want to be alone?"_

"_No."_

_ ~~~~~ d'Artagnan &amp; Athos, 2.04 Emilie_

ooooooo

**Chapter One: Progress**

As d'Artagnan makes his way through the crowd to buy a bottle of wine for him and Athos to share, he marvels at the progress his best friend has made over the months he's known him.

Since Milady's surprise return, he, Aramis, and Porthos have been waiting for Athos to self-destruct and backslide into old habits, but that has not yet happened.

In the six months following Milady's exile, Athos has slowly gotten better over time. He seems lighter – the years of guilt, shame, and secrets seem to have been lifted from his shoulders. Athos is the pretty much the same man as he ever was, but with less alcohol flowing through his veins. He drinks less, rarely drinks alone anymore, and allows his brothers to be there for him when he becomes melancholy. It is a joy to see his friend finally living again.

It reminds him of a time not so long ago that Athos preferred to drink to excess and perfectly content to wallow in his miseries alone.

ooooooo

_It's barely a day since he first met the three Musketeers._

_So much has happened in that time and in the past few days that he can barely wrap his head around it. _

_At the moment, he's just going with the flow and sitting in a tavern with the two Musketeers he'd teamed up with in order to save the Athos's life. Yesterday, he was accusing the man of killing his father, and today, they were celebrating successfully preventing him from dying at the wrong end of a firing squad. _

_Was it even possible to say that 'they' were celebrating, when the man you've saved is off on his own drinking bottle after bottle of wine?_

_He can understand needing a certain amount of time to come to grips with almost dying, but Athos had barely said more than a few pithy comments, before taking himself away to drink alone. _

_By the way Athos's friends are acting, it's obviously not an irregular occurrence for Athos to drink by himself or to drink to excess. Apparently, Aramis and Porthos take turns making sure their friend makes it home in one piece. _

_It's just another sign of how much these men care about each other. What d'Artagnan is curious about is if that caring stems from the fact that they are comrades-in-arms or that they are brothers, family by choice. Either way, he is certain that it was more than just duty that made the other two men at the table so determined to find evidence that would exonerate Athos._

_That curiosity and these three men are what are drawing him towards the Musketeers. With the training his father had given him, he would probably be welcomed as a recruit into any of the regiments, yet it's the Musketeers he aspires to join. He wants to be a part of this brotherhood of soldiers and perhaps someday not feel so alone in the world._

_In between hands of cards, d'Artagnan shifts his gaze towards Athos. Every time he looks over at the other man, he wonders how anyone can drink so much. He wonders why Athos would so willingly hold himself apart from friends who never once believed in his guilt and had risked their lives to save him. _

_The crowd in the tavern is raucous, and yet Athos seemed to be in his own, lonely world, so deep within his thoughts that it would take a canon to bring him back to the present. He recognizes some of the expressions that flicker across the older man's face, and guesses that they've crossed his face as well over the past few days. Athos has suffered tragic loss in his life, and he uses alcohol to forget – perhaps it might have something to do with the woman that Aramis mentioned earlier. Athos is trying to bear his burdens all on his own despite the fact that Aramis and Porthos would willingly walk through fire to help him._

_It's getting very late when Porthos looks towards Athos's table and frowns. D'Artagnan follows the other man's gaze and sees that Athos has passed out cold with his head resting uncomfortably on the tabletop. _

_Porthos throws his cards down and abandons the pot of money that they'd been playing for to go to Athos. D'Artagnan quickly picks up the money, and by rights he could keep it all, but he feels that to be unfair since Porthos quit the game in order to help a friend. He decides to split the pot in half, though when it doesn't divide out equally, he does keep the extra coins since the rent won't pay itself. _

_By the time he's finished, Porthos has coaxed Athos into an upright position and is ready to carry the older man home. D'Artagnan holds out Porthos's half of the money to the larger man, who looks surprised to see it. Porthos smiles as he takes the money and pockets it before making his way out of the tavern, his arms keeping Athos from becoming one with the tavern floor. _

_They move several steps forward before Porthos turns back and says that he hopes they'll see him again. He won't deny how hopeful that statement makes him of the possibility that the three Musketeers might one day consider him a friend and fellow brother-in-arms. It hasn't even been that long since he met them, but he feels like he's known them for years._

_D'Artagnan watches the two men leave, amused with Porthos's patience in dealing with a drunkenly boneless Athos. Certain that Porthos is perfectly capable of getting them both safely home to their lodgings, he heads towards his own. _

_He has been trailing them from a distance for a few minutes before d'Artagnan realizes that he's doing it. He follows their progress, watching both their backs as Porthos delivers Athos to his rooms. Once he makes sure that the man he had so recently helped to keep alive was safe, he continues on to the Bonacieux' residence._

_He's pretty sure that Porthos had known that he had been following the two of them most, if not all, of the time, but he doesn't care. From the way the two men interacted, d'Artagnan thinks he now has the answer to his earlier question: It's a true brotherhood – both brothers-in-arms and brothers by choice – and he wants to be a part of it. _

ooooooo

Wine bottle and cups in hand, d'Artagnan is just in time to see Athos silently intimidate two men who look to be younger than him into giving up their table. He won't deny that he loves it when Athos does something like that.

They enjoy the wine in silence for a time, each of them taking interest in the comings and goings of the people crowded around them.

D'Artagnan is content to let the silence between them continue; they had never really needed a lot of words in order to forge and foster the bond that ran between them.

When he had been speaking with Constance, d'Artagnan had wondered how he was going to tell his friend about Milady's current status. He hated the fact that Athos had had to overhear Constance's news, but he was relieved to not have to tell the older man himself. There was no good way to tell your friend that his ex-wife was now the King's mistress.

He wondered at the thoughts that were running through Athos's head over that bit of news.

He wondered why Athos wasn't drinking as heavily as he would expect, given the situation.

He wondered something else too, but was uncertain whether or not he should broach the topic.

Milady knows how to play a long game, and d'Artagnan is reasonably certain that she is not done ruining Athos's life, so he needs to know that something. Refilling their cups, d'Artagnan asks Athos a question that he is reasonably certain that he wouldn't have dared to ask six months ago.

"Do you still love her?"

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_To be continued._

**ooooooo**

**A/N:** I had planned this to be much different in execution, but Athos refused to let d'Artagnan carry the entire story. :D

No beta; mistakes are inevitable in life.

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	2. Regress

**Disclaimer**: see Chapter One

**Spoilers**: 2.04 Emilie

**ooooooo**

"_What are you going to do?"_

"_Drink."_

"_Want to be alone?"_

"_No."_

_ ~~~~~ d'Artagnan &amp; Athos, 2.04 Emilie_

ooooooo

**Chapter Two: Regress**

"Do you still love her?" d'Artagnan asks, startling him out of his thoughts.

Athos looks down into his cup of wine, the dim light in the tavern makes it seem as if the liquid is blood. He flashes back to finding Thomas's body, to the blood on the floor, to the blood on his wife's hands and on her dress.

There is nothing that can ever take those images away from his mind, no matter how hard he's tried with the hundreds of bottles of wine that he's drunk since that day. There is nothing that can _ever_ make what she did alright. Nothing that can make him forget what she's done or how her actions have irrevocably changed his life.

Some might say the change was for the worse. They would consider a life dedicated to serving with the Musketeers beneath him and not something a man of his status should be involved with. But joining the Musketeers regiment had been one of the best decisions of his life; it had ever so slowly brought him back to life after feeling like a dead man trying to navigate his way amongst the sea of living.

The Musketeers had given him a purpose and had eventually brought him three brothers that he'd do anything for, including freely giving his life for them.

His new life had also brought him something he never thought he would have again—

A hand on his forearm snaps him out of his thoughts and he looks up to see that d'Artagnan's face is a perfect combination of guilt and worry.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I shouldn't have asked."

Athos smiles slightly and says, "No apology is necessary, d'Artagnan."

He takes a drink of his wine, thankful that his mind has let it revert back to wine and not the blood it had so recently been.

"I love…the _idea_ of her, _not_ the woman herself. Until she murdered Thomas, our lives were happy; they were some of the happiest years of my life. But that is gone now and only the idea, the memory of that love remains."

Athos lifts the bottle of wine they've been sharing and pours out the remainder between their two glasses.

"I have a new life now, one I am content to live."

D'Artagnan smiles at his words, looking almost relieved. Athos knows that they've all been worried about _when_ – and sadly, not _if_ – he'd breakdown over the knowledge of Milady's return.

As of now, the woman is in a state of grace with him; he can't follow through on his promise to kill her so long as she is the King's mistress. More importantly, she'd saved d'Artagnan, as well as the King, from the slavers. He's had more than one nightmare since then over what would have happened to d'Artagnan had it not been in Milady's own interests to save him along with the King.

When d'Artagnan stormed into the Musketeers garrison seeking his father's murderer, Athos never expected that the Gascon would come to mean so much to him. He's just as much a brother to him as Porthos and Aramis.

By virtue of his age, d'Artagnan has the sometimes unenviable position of being treated as the 'little' brother. Athos had not thought he could ever again consider anyone but Thomas to be a little brother, but he was proven wrong over time.

He never thought he'd ever have another little brother; it's something else Milady's past actions have changed in his life. Through extreme violence, she had taken away one brother but he has been given three more in return. After all the mistakes he has made, all the sins he has committed in his life, he's amazed God would bless him in this way.

So no, he doesn't love her anymore; he can never and will never forgive or forget what she's done. The most he can feel for her now is gratitude for her part in saving d'Artagnan.

Besides, he knows that she is incapable of love in its truest sense. He doubts that she ever really loved him. Her greatest loves are power and wealth and Milady is willing to do anything to get them.

He's had both and believes he has had the better end of the deal in life. He loves his brothers and loves being their brother in return. He never realized how much he loved being a brother until d'Artagnan came into his life. For that, he will always be grateful to the younger man. For that, he will try his best not to revert back to the way he used to be.

When d'Artagnan had realized that Athos had overheard him and Constance, there had been such a look of trepidation on the Gascon's face. The subsequent look of relief on d'Artagnan's face had been instantaneous when he'd said that he didn't want to be left alone to drink.

He's gotten better at letting his brothers in, better at not being so aloof. More often than not, instead of going off alone to drink, he allows one of his friends to accompany him. There are still times when he would rather be alone, times when he still drinks way more than he should, but Aramis, Porthos, and d'Artagnan have accepted those aspects of his personality.

Finishing his wine, Athos gestures for d'Artagnan to do the same. D'Artagnan looks surprised that Athos wants to leave after only one shared bottle of wine, and pushes his half-full cup away unfinished. They stand in unison and make their way out of the crowded tavern.

Athos can sense that the younger man wants to know why they are leaving so soon, but other than the occasional side glance, no questions are asked. His friends know that he has cut back on his drinking, but the amount they'd just shared is still much less than normal.

He wants to tell d'Artagnan that he cut himself off on this night because he's already wasted too much time and too much drink on that blight of a woman.

He wants to tell d'Artagnan that Milady no longer has any power over him. Ridding himself of the locket had been his way of cutting the ties between them. He had spared her, not because he loved her, but because he wanted to be free of her and the guilt that had plagued him for so long. He had saved her, and by doing so, he had saved himself.

He wants to tell d'Artagnan that he's afraid that he'll backslide and either fall back under Milady's spell or once again drown himself in drink, or God forbid, both. He's a better version of himself than he has been in years and doesn't want to regress to the way he had been when he'd first joined the Musketeers.

He wants to tell d'Artagnan that he has so much to live for despite all the uncertainty in their lives. One of those reasons is walking side-by-side with him, and he hopes the younger man knows how much that means to him.

He wants to tell d'Artagnan all of these things, but he doesn't know where to start and the words are either refusing to form or pass through his lips.

When he feels a hand on his shoulder and he looks over into d'Artagnan's face – a face full of admiration and acceptance – he thinks that maybe he doesn't have to say anything after all.

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_The end._

**ooooooo**

**A/N:** No beta; mistakes are likely.

_**Thanks for reading!**_


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